Harry Potter: Fullmetal Style
by BlackPaperMoon82462
Summary: Crack! Alphonse, Edward, and Mustang are sent by the military to fix a certain problem in the wizarding world. When they land in Grimmauld Place, what happens next? I honestly have no clue. SECOND CHAPTER: Hughes and Armstrong meet Peeves. And before you ask, yes. It does involve sparkles.
1. Of Flamingos and Whores

**A/N: Heya everyone! So this story was basically born out of my frustration with everyone in the HP/FMA section for ****_not updating lately_**** *growling*. I also had a bet with myself to write a story completely out of dialogue (I don't know if there's a term for that ^^). The plot is pretty much this: Alphonse, Edward, and Mustang just appeared in Grimmauld Place. The only other people who speak are Dumbledore and a surprise/mystery guest.**

**Rating: T. The words 'whore' and 'bastard' are used, but only once or twice. Other than that, it's pretty PG.**

**Disclaimer: If I wrote/created both HP and FMA, I would be the awesomest person on earth. Sadly, I am not, but I'm still pretty darn close. ;)**

**EDIT: I fixed a few errors that I had missed the first time, but everything is essentially the same. :)**

"Right, so we're here to find the... association of spontaneously combusting flamingos? ...Oi, couldn't you have taken care of this yourself, Colonel Pyro? This is your area of expertise, not mine."

"You didn't read the mission report, did you, Fullmetal?"

"I skimmed it."

"Brother, it's called the Order of the Phoenix!"

"Well, whose brilliant idea was it to name a group after a bunch of flaming birds?"

"Yes, _Fullmetal_, how do they even go out in public with such a _strange_ name?"

"I don't know _Horsey_, why don't you-,"

"Excuse me, but who are you, and how did you get in here?"

"Alright, when did the old dude get here!?"

"No idea."

"I didn't notice him."

"Jeez, his hair is longer than _mine_! Well anyway, old man, we're in the military, and an omnicient being with a penchant for making our lives suck has, shockingly, decided to once again make our lives suck, immediately after we fixed the crap that happened last time. Oh, and we got here via advanced alchemical portal. We landed on your table."

"Sorry for falling on you, by the way, Brother."

"I'm just glad we both landed on Colonel Bastard."

"Sorry to interrupt, but how do you know about our Order?"

"I already explained that!"

"I apologise, sir, it seems my subordinate gave you the _short _version of our story."

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A PATHETIC BEANSPROUT THAT DOESN'T NEED ALCHEMY BECAUSE HE CAN REARRANGE THE ATOMS BY HAND!?"

"We were sent here to find and kill a man by the name of... Um..."

"Hahahaha! See, even Mister 'Read the mission report, Fullmetal' didn't pay attention! I bet you only bothered looking at it because Hawkeye threatened to shoot you! I think the guy's name was Moldywhore or something equally ridiculous, though."

"No, Brother, it was 'Story' or 'Joke' or something. Oh! It was 'Riddle'!"

"HOW DARE YOU FILTHY MUGGLES BESMIRCH MY MAGNIFICENT AND AWE-INSPIRING NAME!?"

"HOW DO THESE PEOPLE KEEP SNEAKING UP ON US!?"

* * *

"I think that went rather well, don't you?"

"Brother, you called their world's most feared villan a whore, followed that with 'chimera', and ended with 'pedophile' before you punched him with an alchemic fist."

"Hey, that last taunt was directed to everyone in the room except you and me."

"Are you calling me _old_, Fullmetal? Need I remind you that, as we are once again back in our world, I can court-martial you? And I was the one who actually completed our little mission."

"Yeah, and I'm sure the fact that everyone's eyebrows except yours were singed off was a coincidence."

"Of course."

"And the crazy-looking woman who was standing behind the 'Dark Lord'?"

"Casualty of war."

"And what about that dumb looking redhead teen who walked up right before you snapped, Colonel?"

"Survival of the fittest, Alphonse."

**A/N: Ah, that was epic. Has anyone but me noticed that everyone calls Voldemort "Moldywart' or "Voldywhore" but no one has ever said Moldywhore. So I decided to fix that tragedy. ;) Explaining what they did to Voldemort took some thought, but the rest was super fun to write! Now maybe the rest of you guys will update your own stories! *holding Winry's wrench threateningly***


	2. Of Sparkles and Volumizer

**A/N: Hello all! I know I said it was a oneshot, but I was struck by inspiration-lightning (Ow, by the way.) and it shall now be a twoshot! You're welcome. :D**

"OH MY! WHERE DID YOU SAY THIS TRANSMUTATION CIRCLE WOULD TAKE US, LIEUTENANT COLONEL?"

"I dunno, Major. It was supposed to take us to the same place as Roy and the Elrics went last week, but I guess someone drew it wrong or something."

"SHOULD WE NOT BE WORRIED THEN?"

"Nah. Wanna see the newest pictures of my darling Elysia?"

"ERR. NO THANK YOU."

"Ooh! Two not-professors roaming the halls! Peeves should tell Filch-y like the good little ghost he is!"

"Gah! I can see through him! That's not right! That's- Hey, Major. Why aren't you freaking out?"

"THE ABILITY TO SEE GHOSTS HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!"

"...Right. Where'd your shirt go?"

"I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE."

"Heehee. You two not-professors are fun! You wouldn't happen to be the ones who blew off the Headmaster's eyebrows, would you?"

"Um. No?"

"Pity."

"WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE WE ARE, SIR GHOST?"

"Is it possible for a shirt to disappear twice? Because I think yours just did."

"YES, THAT HAPPENS SOMETIMES."

"Wow, you sparkle, Mustache! How do you do that!?"

"I WOULD PREFER YOU DID NOT CALL ME THAT. THAT WAS MY NICKNAME IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, AND IT IS NOT APPRECIATED."

"In elementary...? But how did...?"

"You didn't answer the question, Mustache~. What about you, Four-eyes? Don't you wanna know?"

"I'm going to pretend you didn't call me that. But I've gotta admit, I've been wondering the same thing, Major."

"WELL... ARE YOU AWARE OF THE POPULAR WOMEN'S MAKE-UP COMPANY IN CENTRAL CALLED BELLA LESTRANGE, MISTER HUGHES?"

"The one that specializes in hair volumizer?"

"THE VERY SAME. THE ARMSTRONGS HAVE BEEN PURCHASING THEIR GLITTER PRODUCTS FOR GENERATIONS! SADLY HOWEVER, I HAVE HEARD THAT THE OWNER OF THE COMPANY PASSED AWAY LAST WEEK IN A STRANGE HOUSE FIRE."

"Do you mind if I borrow some, not-professor Mustache? I could pull off some wonderful pranks with that!"

"PRANKING IS NOT A GOOD HOBBY FOR ONE AS YOUNG AS YOURSELF TO ACQUIRE."

"I'm older than the both of you combined."

"THEN FEEL FREE TO TAKE AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE."

"Can I have some, Major?"

"...I DO NOT THINK YOUR WIFE WOULD APPRECIATE YOUR BEING SPARKLIER THAN HER. WOMEN TEND TO DISLIKE THAT IN A MAN, AS IT DETRACTS FROM THE MANLINESS OF ANYONE BUT THE ARMSTRONGS."

"What about Edward Cullen, not-professor Mustache? He's sparklier than his girlfriend, and he's still kinda manly."

"ARE YOU SURE, SIR GHOST? ARE YOU ABSOLUTLEY SURE?"

"I'm not sure I want to know the implications of that... So Peeves, what are you going to do with the glitter?"

"Eh, a sprinkle here, a pinch there. Several buckets on a certain professor who doesn't understand the concept of shampoo."

"Ah."

"Oh, and that insufferable cat that trails me everywhere could use some sparkles as well. Lousy Filch..."

"I ASK THAT THE TWO OF YOU KEEP THIS A SECRET. THE MYSTERY BEHIND THE ARMSTRONG SPARKLES HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN FOR GENERATIONS. IT WOULD BE A DISGRACE IF IT WERE REVEALED RIGHT NOW."

* * *

"Hey Roooooyy~"

"What is it Maes?"

"I have a surprise for you!"

"Maes, if it is another picture of your daughter, I swear I will sn- Is that a bucket?"

"Yep~"

"Of glitter?"

"Uh-huh."

"What are you planning on d- ARGH! DAMNIT HUGHES! WHERE ARE MY GLOVES? YOU'RE GOING TO FRY, MAES!"

"I regret nothing!"

"Heehee. Good job, Four-eyes! Couldn't have done it better myself!"

"WHO THE HELL WAS THAT!?"

**A/N: Now review! Were there any times when you didn't know who was speaking? Was Peeves OOC? Was it confusing? Was it not funny? Did you just plain not like it? Tell me!**


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